Many days thoughts flood my mind constantly. Thoughts of: Did I choose this journey for myself or is this God’s complete will for my life?
I always find myself thinking:
Life is hard right now…
Life is difficult…
Life is a whirlwind of flight or fright syndrome…
Life is full of aggression on all sides…
Life is moving at a pace that is so difficult to keep up with…
Every single day, things happen that make me wonder how in the world I ended up where I am today.
Every day things get broken…
Every day there is so much chaos…
Every day it is difficult to find a quiet spot for 2 seconds at a time…
Every day there are meltdowns and tears…
Every day seems more difficult than the last…
Five kids ago, things were simple.
Things were a walk in the park…
I could scoop up the five kids I had and go anywhere… I mean anywhere I wanted to go… Why was I not content? Why did I ask for more? Was I being selfish?
There were no MAJOR meltdowns…
There was no flight or fright syndrome present..
Yes! There was still frustration and normal toddler behaviors….
Yes! I still got upset sometimes at what I now know were SMALL, MINOR, EASY to handle transgressions…
That! That frustration I felt back then makes me feel horrible now. If I only knew what was coming just a few short years later, I would have been different! I would have not complained ONE. SINGLE. DAY! Those days that seemed so difficult at the time were so EASY!
I long for those days at times. Those oh so EASY days. Even the NICU days and almost losing my life days seem simple compared to what I am walking through now.
Both NICU journeys seemed like the most DIFFICULT trials to overcome. Both times, I thought there would not ever be anything as difficult to go through! Oh my! How wrong I was!
Not long after the NICU struggle was over, the foster care journey came along with a Crohn’s/Colitis raging battle! Man, life became REALLY tough all of a sudden. YES! Almost 3 years later, life continues to be TOUGH.
BUT! God has prepared me for this journey! He gave me the NICU days, pregnancy complications, and nearly losing my life days to make me strong enough to fight this battle I am in ONLY through His strength.
Usually what seems like our toughest battles are minor compared to what is coming next. What God has just around the corner…
Yes! Life is DIFFICULT in our own STRENGTH. When we take our eyes off of Him, it becomes unbearable! When we question if things are His will or not, we begin sinking. But, He walked on water! He can hold us up no matter how COMPLICATED things seem!
Yes! Life is throwing some STRONG punches right now. But, God’s ALL knowing power and love shines through every day.
This is my WILL!
This is what I have for you.
I have prepared you to parent not 1, 2, 3, 4, but FIVE children with attachment issues who have suffered great abuse and neglect in their lives. You can parent these children whose brains have developed differently because they had to FIGHT to stay ALIVE every single day of their lives!
I will take care of you and your 5 biological children plus the other 5 I have BLESSED you with. I love ALL of you!
- flight or fright
- fits followed by deep sadness
- melt downs
- ungrateful hearts
- NO stranger anxiety
- NO attachment except to themselves
- And the list could go on and on…
He shows me every day that He is God and NO matter what, each day is BEAUTIFUL!
I just have to look past the DIFFICULTIES, so I can see His beauty!
He shows me beauty through…
-hurting children asking Jesus into their hearts
-prayers those same children learn to whisper
-all the kids singing worship songs instead of fighting in the van
-two of them holding hands and playing well together for at least 10 minutes
-a rare day of fun and quietness at the park
-the giggles that happen oh so rarely and the few and far between hugs and kisses (We learn to cherish each and every single giggle, hug, and kiss!)
-and THIS list could go on and on…
There is BEAUTY in the ASHES!
We just have to be willing to focus on the beauty instead of the CHAOS that surrounds us. We have to learn to breathe and stay CALM no matter what!
What most would call absolute CHAOS, God has chosen for us to call our FAMILY.
YES! The days are DIFFICULT, but they are also BEAUTIFUL! And, for that, I am grateful. God is so good and merciful to us! He is ABLE!
Isaiah 61:3 – To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.”