I miss you. I miss you more than you know. My heart breaks for you. I can’t stand to see you in the condition you are in.
I love you, Dad. But, I can’t stand the denial you live in. I can’t stand the alcohol and other things keeping you from us. I’ve watched you suffer my whole life. I just want you to be set free.
Why not, Dad? Why wouldn’t you want to live a life where you don’t drown yourself in alcoholism and other strongholds? I just don’t understand. I don’t understand why you have chosen those things over your daughters and your grandchildren.
I don’t understand what we have done that is so wrong. Why do you choose your drinking buddies over us? Why does it seem like you hate us so badly? Why Dad? Have I said all of the wrong things? I’ve tried to keep my words intact as much as possible. It’s been so hard, Dad. It really has. I’ve wanted to say so much more. But, I love you too much to say all that I am thinking. The hurt inside makes me want to let it all out. And, I do when I’m alone and you aren’t in front of me. I say a lot more when you aren’t around.
You aren’t around much anymore. You haven’t been for years. I am so grateful that I get to see you two or three times a year. I wish you were here more often. You only live a few streets over.
So much has happened over the past 20 years. You keep saying you don’t have a problem, and it’s not that bad. But, actions speak louder than words. Like I told you recently, we really did miss you at Christmas this year. We always look forward to seeing you on Christmas. It’s one of our favorite times of the year because we know you always show up on Christmas.
But, let’s talk about the things you have missed besides this Christmas. Did you know that I have been in the hospital close to 10 weeks over the past 9 years? I waited for you to come and see me every single time. But, you never came. I waited for you to rub my swollen feet and tell me that everything was going to be okay, and that I was going to make it through. But, you never showed up, Dad. Some of those times, it wasn’t just me fighting for my life, but also your grandchildren. But, they are all okay now. And, I am going to be, too. The doctor has found medications that really help control this horrible disease that I live with and was most likely born with.
I wish I could talk to you about how badly I have felt over the past two years because this disease I have can take the life out of you. But, I am doing so much better now except in stressful situations. Like the one my kids and I encountered the other night when you wrecked, Dad.
We saw it all. I saw you lying on the pavement as you were pinned under your jeep. Dad, I was so scared. I was so scared that your addictions had finally taken you away from us. It was only by God’s grace that we pulled up behind your wreck. We were just on our way home, and we saw the most terrifying sight ever. I thought for sure you were going to be dead. But, Praise the Lord you weren’t. I am so thankful that I didn’t have to plan your funeral this weekend. I am so thankful I didn’t have to plan my husband’s or my children’s. If the timing had been off just a little, we might have had to swerve to miss you, Dad. I am glad you didn’t hurt anyone else’s family, too. But, I haven’t given up hope. I won’t ever. I love you too much.
But, what I witnessed next broke my heart worse than seeing your face lying on that pavement. I saw you handcuffed and carried off to jail. I knew it would happen one day, but I didn’t ever want it to. I wanted to see you better before now, Dad.
You have taught me so much in life. You have taught me some great life lessons.
Lesson 1. To hate alcohol and drugs with everything inside of me
Lesson 2. To work hard for everything I have, but use the money I make to help others in a positive manner and not throw it down the drain by buying the world’s drink
Lesson 3: To love other’s unconditionally no matter how they treat me or act towards me because God loves me despite MY OWN weaknesses and sinful habits and so do so many other people
Lesson 4: To never give up hope on those who are addicted because the Lord has worked a miracle in my life, and He can in yours, too, if you let him
Lesson 5: To allow my children to walk through hard times and not hide things from them because those times make them stronger, make them love and pray harder, and will hopefully make them walk away from temptations that will destroy their lives and their families’ lives (I pray if anyone ever offers my children a drop of alcohol or drugs, they will always see your vehicle on its side and see you being taken to jail.)
They hurt, too. You know? Jacob has prayed for you almost as long as he has been alive. He has been praying for you since he could first speak your name. He prayed the Lord would wake you up the day before you wrecked. Did it, Dad? Did that wreck do anything for you?
From what you told me on the way home from jail, it hasn’t helped you yet. It didn’t help you want to be different, Dad. All I’ve heard are excuses. It’s easy to blame others for our actions. I have done it in the past, too. But, it doesn’t do any of us a bit of good, Dad. The excuses don’t make me feel any better. I’ve heard you blame others and use excuses since I was just a small kid, Daddy. I don’t want to hear them anymore. I really don’t. It hurts too much. You always leave me asking myself why.
Why? Why can’t you just say you are wrong? Why can’t you just say you are sorry? Why couldn’t you say thank you when I stayed to help you at your accident? Do you even remember that I was there? Do you even remember that I care about you, and I love you? Do you?
Because I do. I love you so much. You have always told me that you aren’t going to change for anyone. But, do you know what? I don’t want you to change for me or my kids. I want you to change for you! I want you to change for the Lord! I want you to stop killing yourself every single day! We all do.
Jayla, my 6 year old daughter, she just had this conversation with me today:
He’s been drinking beer and not eating. That’s what’s wrong, Mommy. He needs to eat and not drink that beer, Mommy. The Lord tries to talk to him, Mommy, but he says no, Mommy. It makes the Lord sad, Mommy. Has he really been saved, Mommy? Is he going to Heaven, Mommy? If he’s really been saved then it never breaks, Mommy! Even if he does bad stuff, he will still go to Heaven if he is saved. You know that, Mommy!
Please, Dad. Are you saved? Are you on your way to Heaven? Only you know the answer. But, we are begging you to please stop! Please stop breaking our hearts. Please stop before it is eternally too late. If we can’t spend our lives with you here, we at least want to spend eternity with you in Heaven.
I love you, Dad. We all do and no matter what, we always will. And, we will never give up on you. We will never give up hope. We are here for you. We will never stop praying. There is no way that I could ever count the number of days that I have prayed for you.
Your Second Daughter