If I remember correctly, Thursday May 1, 2014 was a day that began an event that changed my life forever. That is the last night I was able to attend the jail ministry my husband and I served in together. That night I felt the Lord leading me to talk to the girls in class about my insecurities that had rose due to pregnancy complications that I had been experiencing with my fifth pregnancy. It is the night that I spoke of hemorrhaging and pre-term labor and how it would be His will if it happened.
It did happen. It happened that very night. I ended up in the hospital that same night for an uncontrollable hemorrhage. And, just five days later, Jayce Bryant was born.
I have written all about it before, and I still believe that Jayce’s traumatic birth is for God’s glory. However, there are times when my flesh wants me to be very upset about the details. Upset with myself more than anything else. Upset with some choices that I made along the way.
It has been over a year since all of the complications started, and I still think about the events that took place leading up to Jayce’s birth. I still think about the events that took place during his birth. And, I still think about the events that have taken place after his birth. All of those days, hours, and even minutes will be engrained in my mind forever. I think way too much. I need to pray about my insecurities more often. I need to learn how important it is to continue to cast my cares upon Jesus because He cares for me.
That is what I want more than anything. I want to give this hurt inside of me to the Lord, and I do not want to pick it back up one more time. I do not want to have to feel the need to hold my breath each time I think about never holding a newborn baby again. This past year, the tears and pain and hurtful words have set up residence more often then I’d like to mention.
One Sunday, our wonderful Pastor shared a message that has stuck with me for at least three or four years now. It was a message on Christians finding our joy in Christ. “If you could just have one more baby, you would be happy…” I can hear him saying those words just like it was yesterday. I didn’t understand them at the time. I was still able to have babies then. I even remember thinking what is wrong with wanting to have another baby? Children are a blessing. However, I just didn’t have the wisdom to understand what the Lord was having him preach. I understood more of the words on wanting more material possessions and how they could never bring happiness.
But, I understand the other words clearly now because I can’t have another child. That is not where my joy should have been coming from. Our circumstances and our own plans cannot determine our contentment in Christ. We are not supposed to be living a defeated Christian life. And, time and time again, I have even expressed that this bump in the road is not going to steal my joy.
It has been 364 days since I was hospitalized and delivered a 29 weeker. You think I’d just get over it all. As Jaden says, “Too many pity parties go on around here.” (I love that little girl!)
Seriously though, I have thanked God for doing what He saw was best. I have prayed for peace. And, many times, I have felt peace. But, I am just ready to feel normal again. I am ready to stop longing for something that can NEVER happen. I am ready to accept God’s will once and for all. There have been times that I thought I had accepted His will.
I have given testimonies on how great it is to be alive! And, I have meant every word in those testimonies. I am so thankful! The devil is the only one who wants me to feel defeated. He will not win this battle!
So, what’s the solution to all of this? Prayer, a complete change in my perspective, and continuing to praise His name. I believe that those things are the only things that will get me through this difficult time. You may be thinking that these prayers are selfish. Don’t worry. They feel selfish to me, too.
Why? Because I am blessed. I have five children for crying out loud. The Lord saved my life. He saved Jayce’s life. I am washed in His blood. He has never forsaken me!
He has given me a godly husband that does more for me than I ever deserve. The Lord has forgiven me time and time and time again for my foolish words, outbursts, and temper tantrums. I pray that you all have forgiven me, too. I can have such a crippling critical spirit at times. It is not of Him. It is something that He is working on.
Not only has He forgiven me, but He has also provided me with a warm home, and He gives abundantly at each and every meal. He allows me to homeschool my children. The same children that love me despite my shortcomings. He has placed me in a caring church family. A church family that loves me no matter what I am going through. God loves me the same way. My earthly mind won’t ever fully comprehend it, but I am thankful.
None of this is His fault. It is for my own good. I know that. I understand that everything happens for a reason. And, if all of this pain will bring just one person as well as myself closer to God then it will all be worth it. I want to step out of the way and allow that to happen. I love the Lord with all my heart, soul, and mind. I want others to see Christ when they look at me. Unfortunately, I do not do my part much of the time.
That’s why I still cry at times. That’s why I still hurt. That’s why sleep doesn’t always come like it should. That’s why I still have a very strong desire to feel a new baby turning flips in my tummy.
So, I am humbly asking you to pray for me to have complete contentment in God’s perfect plan. I am asking that you pray that I completely change my perspective.
I need to follow Leah’s lead. Her circumstances weren’t going to change. Her dream and God’s plan were different. Same here. But, she learned to praise the Lord despite her circumstances. She found joy in Him! Thanks for this timely message Brother David.
Verbally praising the Lord for all He did for Jayce and me on May 6, 2014 has began to help so much. If it weren’t for Jesus and my praying friends, I’d be lost. So, thanks for your prayers. I know they are going to continue to work. I’m ready to chuck this pity party out of the window once and for all. I just want to get my focus back. The only focus that matters: sharing Jesus with others. Much love to you all.
Your Sister in Christ,
There is joy in the morning. I can’t wait to celebrate Jayce’s 1st birthday tomorrow!!
Psalm 30:5 – For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.