The stillness of the night used to be my favorite time. I loved to curl up under the covers and just think. Think about how the day went. Think about how things could be improved upon. Think about how blessed I am to have five kids, a husband, and a little Chinese Crested all sleeping so soundly.

I loved to listen to Jayla and Jayce breathing simultaneously. I still love to hear them breathe so deeply as they sleep. But something is different about the stillness now. It doesn’t feel exactly the same. The stillness gives me time to ponder on the news we recently received. The news leaves a pit in my stomach. Believe me, in Jesus’s name, I have prayed that the results of our littlest guy’s cranial ultrasound are false. But the what-ifs are still there. What if the results are accurate? What if this happens? What if that happens? What if the fluid increases? What if… Yea. I don’t like the quietness as much tonight as I did a few nights ago. But I know the solution. I know the answer. It is God’s love and power. The what-ifs really shouldn’t matter so much. But, as a mommy of a preemie (x2), the what-ifs are so real. And unfortunately, they can go either way. Since Jayla was released from the hospital almost 3 years ago, she has not had one hiccup due to her prematurity. We did have a scare of a genetic disorder not long after her birth, but that had nothing to do with her being born early. Jayce, on the other hand, has a whole different story. But it’s okay. Really. It is. His story shows what a fighter he is. He is fearfully and wonderfully made. God loves him. This morning, when I woke up feeling more tired than before I went to bed, God showed me an unconfessed sin in my life. The sin that I didn’t even realize was lurking behind me. He has shown me how important it is to live out the words that I type. He has already used this for my good and His. I am thankful for what I have already learned. I am thankful for what I am going to learn. But I am concerned for my little Jayce. I am worried about what his future holds. I am concerned for my other 4 children. I have seen the unsettled looks on their little faces. My heart is heavy tonight. It was heavy last night. It may be heavy for a while. But Jesus heals the brokenhearted. And he also heals the sick. So, Jayce and I have a lot of hope tonight and every night after this one. We have a lot to look forward to. Jayce is special in every single way. Nearly perfect if you ask me. Psalm 139:13-14 (KJV) 13 For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb. 14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and my soul knoweth right well.

— I wrote this post over a week ago. The Wednesday after I wrote it, I went to the altar and prayed and cried. The Lord has given me so much peace since that night. Jayce will go to a neurologist soon. As of right now, considering his adjusted age, everything seems to be okay with Jayce’s development. But, because of Jayce’s prematurity, I know what the extra fluid can possibly do as he gets older. Please pray that the extra fluid will be gone at his next ultrasound appointment.

Much love,

Amanda