Dear Dad,

I miss you. I miss you more than you know. My heart breaks for you. I can’t stand to see you in the condition you are in.

I love you, Dad. But I can’t stand the denial you live in. I can’t stand the alcohol and other things keeping you from us. I’ve watched you suffer nearly my whole life. I just want you to be set free.

Why not, Dad? Why wouldn’t you want to live a life where you don’t drown yourself in alcoholism and other strongholds? I don’t understand. I don’t understand why you have chosen those things over your daughters and your grandchildren. Are they a choice anymore?

I don’t understand what we have done that is so wrong. Why do you choose your drinking buddies over us? Why does it seem like you hate us so badly? Why Dad? Have I said all of the wrong things? I’ve tried to keep my words intact as much as possible. It’s been hard. It really has. I’ve wanted to say so much more then I have. But I love you too much to say all that’s on my mind. The hurt inside tells me to let it all out. And I do when I’m alone and you aren’t in front of me. I say a lot more when you aren’t around.

You aren’t around much anymore. You haven’t been for years. I am grateful that I get to see you two or three times a year. I wish you were here more often. You only live a few streets over.

So much has happened over the past 20 years. You keep saying you don’t have a problem, and it’s not that bad. But actions speak louder than words. Like I told you recently, we really did miss you at Christmas this year. We always look forward to seeing you on Christmas. It’s one of our favorite times of the year because we know you always show up on Christmas.

But let’s talk about the things you have missed besides this Christmas. Did you know that I have been in the hospital close to 10 weeks over the past 9 years? I waited for you to come and see me every single time. But you never came. I waited for you to rub my swollen feet and tell me that everything was going to be okay, and that I was going to make it through. But you never showed up, Dad. A few of those times, it wasn’t just me fighting for my life, but also your grandchildren. But they are all okay now. And, I am going to be, too.

I wish I could talk to you about how badly I have felt over the past two years because this disease I have can take the life out of you. But I am doing so much better now except in stressful situations. Like the one my kids and I encountered the other night when you wrecked.

We saw it all. I saw you lying on the pavement as you were pinned under your jeep. Dad, I was so scared. I was afraid that your addictions had finally taken you away from us. It was only by God’s grace that we pulled up behind your wreck. We were simply on our way home when we saw the most terrifying sight. I thought for sure you were dead when Jamie whispered, “That’s your dad.” Praise the Lord you weren’t. I am very thankful that I didn’t have to plan your funeral this weekend. I am also thankful I didn’t have to plan my husband’s or my children’s. If the timing had been off just a little, we might have had to swerve to miss you, Dad. I am also glad you didn’t hurt anyone else’s family. Even after witnessing what I did, I haven’t given up hope. I won’t ever. I love you too much.

But what I witnessed next broke my heart even more. I saw you handcuffed and taken to jail. I knew it would happen one day, but I didn’t ever want it to. I wanted to see you better before now.

Over the years, as I have watched you change, you have taught me so much about life. You have taught me some great life lessons.

Lesson 1. To hate alcohol and drugs with everything inside of me.

Lesson 2. To work hard for everything I have, but use my hard-earned money to help others in a positive manner and not throw it down the drain buying the world’s drink

Lesson 3: To love other’s unconditionally no matter how they treat me because God loves me despite MY OWN weaknesses and sinful habits and so do so many other people. He loves YOU, too.

Lesson 4: To never give up hope on those who are addicted because the Lord has worked a miracle in my life, and He can in yours, too, if you let him

Lesson 5: To allow my children to walk through hard times and not hide tough situations from them because those times make them stronger, make them love and pray harder, and will hopefully help them walk away from temptations that will destroy their lives and their families’ lives. (I pray if anyone ever offers my children a drop of alcohol or drugs, they will always see your vehicle on its side and remember you being taken to jail.)

Your grandkids hurt, too. Jacob has prayed for you almost as long as he has been alive. He has been praying for you since he could first speak your name. He prayed the Lord would wake you up the day before you wrecked. Did it, Dad? Did that wreck do anything for you?

From what you told me on the way home from jail, it hasn’t helped you yet. It didn’t help you want to be different. All I heard was excuses. It’s easy to blame others for our actions. I have done that very thing in the past, too. But excused don’t do any of us any good. Your excuses don’t make me feel any better. I don’t want to hear them anymore. I really don’t. It hurts too much. Your excuses always leave me asking myself why.

Why can’t you admit when you are wrong? Why can’t you say you are sorry? Why couldn’t you say thank you when I stayed to help you when you wrecked or when I picked you up from jail? Do you even remember that I was there? Do you remember that I care about you, and I love you? Do you, Dad?

Because I do. I love you so much. You have always told me that you aren’t going to change for anyone. But do you know what? I don’t want you to change for my kids or me. I want you to change for you! I want you to realize how much you are loved by not only me but by the Lord! He loves you more than I ever could. I want you to stop killing yourself every single day! We all do.

Jayla, your 6-year-old daughter, just had this conversation with me today:

“He’s been drinking beer and not eating. That’s what’s wrong with him, Mommy. He needs to eat and not drink that beer. The Lord tries to talk to him, but he says no. It makes the Lord sad. Has he really been saved, Mommy? Is he going to Heaven? If he’s really been saved, then it never breaks! Even if he does bad stuff, he will still go to Heaven if he has Jesus in his heart. You know that, too, Mommy!”

Is Jesus living in your heart, Dad? Are you on your way to Heaven? Only you know the answer. But we are begging you to please stop! Please stop breaking our hearts. Please stop before it is too late. If we can’t spend our lives with you here, we at least want to spend eternity with you in Heaven.

I love you, Dad. We all do and no matter what, we always will. We will never give up on you. We will never lose hope. We are here for you. We will never stop praying. I could never count the number of days that I have prayed for you. I don’t plan on stopping now.

Love Always,
Your Second Daughter